The Starting Point

What the hell would compel someone who has had no academic ambition, or training to engage in building a philosophy for our existence? Good question, and not one that even I, the guy writing it, has an easy time answering. In order for me to begin to articulate what has brought me to the conclusions I have come to, I have to give you some of my own history for context.

There are moments of reset in adulthood that we come to in our lives that give us the opportunity to reevaluate the decisions and direction that we decide to move in. I have had three. The first goes back to meeting my now ex wife (Because I want to protect her I will call her Jenn). I was living in Ontario at the time, working as a carpenter. Up to that point I had settled into my career, my community, and my routine. Everything in life was predictable. Some friends of mine decided to connect me to a girl who lived in Saskatchewan. I knew when I met her that my life was going to change. I didn’t really know quite how much.

We met at a friend’s wedding in Ontario. Without going too deep into the meaningless details, I knew I was going to marry this girl. I was absolutely smitten. We danced, we talked, she broke up with her boyfriend (that she showed up with), and I decided from that moment I was going to do anything I could to be with her. I bring up her boyfriend for an actual purpose, because trust me anytime a relationship is broken by a third party, the pain is something that the offended party should never have to go through whether there is a ring on the finger or not. When you trust someone in a relationship, you are trusting them to protect your heart no matter what the outcome of the relationship and vice versa. I will come back to that later in the story. Within a week after the wedding I decided to give up everything and blindly move to Saskatchewan. I had a friend’s couch to sleep on, and a basement renovation lined up to make some money. This was the first Reset.

I didn’t think much about what opportunity I had when I made the move. I remained the same version of myself and didn’t even examine whether that was the type of person I wanted to be. I was generally happy, but I was not mature. I didn’t understand what it meant to be a partner, a lover, and really a friend. I thought I was good to go. Blinded by my own imperfections, and negligent to the truth. Like any new love the start wasn’t so bad, in fact it was exciting. I felt like we really loved each other. It’s usually in the midst of comfort that weakness takes over. In my own mind I thought I was “holier” than the “sins” I engaged in. Little did I know that those things would be a thorn in our relationship and a catalyst for disconnection, mistrust, and resentment from both sides, that would last throughout the course of our relationship. I had a very secret addiction to pornography. My desire was consumed by it, and the object of my affection suffered because of it. I almost forgot to mention that I happened to take a position as a youth pastor at our local church. Nothing says “Holy Man” like secretly watching people fuck in your bedroom closet to hide from the shame and pretend like I was better than I was. I figured If no one saw it, what’s the harm. If you felt a little bit dirty while reading the past couple of sentences, or wonder why I would choose to use that word specifically, it is because there was no love and connection in what I was doing. There is no other word that fits what I was doing. It was disgusting, and if you felt a little gross, or offended reading it, that was the intention, to help you understand where I was and how I viewed myself. The reason I am speaking so blatantly is to paint a picture for you. I was so blinded by self satisfaction, and lack of emotional intelligence, that I actually thought I was great.

People liked me, I am generally a pretty charismatic person, and I really did love people. At least I loved them within the confines of my control. No one really had any idea what was going on behind closed doors. This isn’t to say that Jenn and I didn’t have any good times, we truly did. That being said no amount of good hangouts, special trips or gifts, will ever counteract resentment, and disgust. When Desire begins to rule your actions, you know you have a problem. This wasn’t what caused the second reset, but gives a good picture of my mindset during it. Before I became a Youth Pastor, I felt called. This was what I was meant to do with my life. I was meant to build up the next generation, and help to heal the family unit. I still laugh thinking about it. The ignorance of a guy in his early 20’s ready to save the world with a saviour complex bigger than Jesus himself. Ready to save the world while my own world was broken.

While I was pastoring I was “promoted” to be an associate pastor. I began to deal with my addiction, and even came clean with our lead pastor, who had a lot of grace for me. Things were starting to look up. It felt like Jenny and I were getting back on track. I felt like my Relationship with Jenny was improving, like we were getting on the same page. That’s when the second reset happened.

It was In the midst of the most isolating time in recent history. Covid. I don’t need to talk much about it other than the fact everyone around me was feeling isolated and alone. The news came out of the blue. I felt blindsided, and betrayed. I was supposed to be a pastor for the rest of my life. I was supposed to become some important figure. I was “called”! I was let go from my position after 3.5 years. The budget couldn’t pay two pastors to stay on staff. Suddenly My life had yet another reset. I was so angry. I felt lost, and still I didn’t take the opportunity to find myself. I began to live with a victim mentality, blaming the world for where I was at. I jumped at a job offer that paid me well but kept me stuck. That’s when I was introduced to working in the financial sector. I was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of people who were positive, encouraging, and driven. I figured, if I’m not happy at least I can be motivated to make money. In the midst of it all, Jenny and I had a miscarriage, and began drifting apart again. After about a year of sleeping in separate rooms the brokenness was too great for us to repair. The trust was gone, I found out that the decisions that I made in the first couple years of our marriage never really were fully forgiven or forgotten. The addiction was a source of devision, and in my own brokenness I fell right back into it. I lied, I cheated, and I was ashamed. I had no excuse. There is no reason good enough to break the trust of your partner. Someone came along at that time and stole her heart away. I shouldn’t really say steal, because I lost her heart long before. I remember when I was told what was going on (which to be clear as far as I know nothing physical took place) but two people that I trusted with my life betrayed me. I was so messed up that I didn’t have the will to fight anymore. I was a depleted shell of a man, forced to put on a good face because that’s what I learned to do. While my world fell apart I filled my life with work.

I still remember the day she told me that she wanted a divorce. In my pain I shut down and gave up. I didn’t even fight it. I slowly lost the last pieces of myself during that season of my life. I was left with nothing but a truck filled with a few of my belongings. I spent the next two years as a wanderer. Putting on good face wherever I went. I convinced people that I was doing great, but the conversation happening inside my head was incredibly dark. I was stripped down to nothing on the inside, depressed, and depleted. Little did I know that this was the best place I could have found myself in. I had a breakthrough, I found forgiveness. It’s funny how a pastor had to feel rejected by God in order to find him. I began to see my own brokenness, and the brokenness of the people that I hurt, and hurt me. I could see how we all were responding out of our own insecurity and brokenness. I forgave, and began the process of continuing to forgive. I forgave myself, and Jenny, and continue to till this day. There is a lot of freedom in forgiveness. It opens up the door to Love becoming your reality. It is difficult to put the effects of forgiveness in my life into words. What I will say now, is that I realized that we are all doing this for the first time, and we are all learning from first timers. If I want grace for myself to fail, I need to extend that grace to others.

This is what led into the last reset in my life. Like I mentioned before I have worked as carpenter. That profession has always been a part of my life. While I was a pastor I worked as a carpenter when I needed extra money. Even when I was starting out in finance I still worked as a carpenter. It was the thing that I was best at. I could build you a house from the ground up. I didn’t necessarily love it, but it’s all that I had known. I was a carpenter if nothing else. It’s the last piece of my identity that I could cling to. If nothing else, I am still a carpenter. Anyone that has worked in construction knows that it is not an easy job on the body. Because I had already been doing it for almost 20 years by body was beginning to wear thin.

I found a new community near where my family was living. I met incredible people and knew I found a good spot to settle in at least for a little while. I knew I had something to contribute outside of just work. But alas, sometimes when you make plans they don’t exactly go the way you expect. Another suddenly hit me. My back began to lock up, the pain slowly became overwhelming, to the point that I couldn’t stand for more than 3 hours at a time. If I pushed myself too far the pain was so intense that I had to smoke a ton of pot just to numb the pain enough to get to sleep. What a great way to live…

The last day I worked it was a couple of hours into the day and I remember my boss (who was my brother in law) came down from a ladder look at me and said very blatantly “you are useless to me like this, you have to get yourself fixed”(He might have used more colourful language, but he meant it out of compassion). It was hard to hear because I knew it was true, but I was also in denial. If I stopped being a carpenter what would I do. From that day forward I had a lot to sort through, again. This time was different. I looked at it as an opportunity. It was a chance to reevaluate my life. Reevaluate where I was at. What I wanted out of life. I had a storm brewing in my mind, and I didn’t know how intense it would come. The beauty of storms, is that it rains, and when it rains, as long as you have prepared the ground, good things can grow. Before I didn’t prepare the ground and the weeds over shadowed the good, this time was different. I knew I could become the person I longed to be in my heart. In the midst of the process I got some news that a childhood friend had passed away. It was devastating. I flew out to the funeral, spent time with family, and chose to open my heart to the pain of loss. Isn’t it amazing how death can give us a completely new perspective on life? The whole experience was a reminder of the deep love that we get to experience in life. It’s unfortunate that it takes loss to remind us to hold the ones we love, and to love those who might not be so easy to. I found the connection to the wellspring of life.

I wanted to bring perspective how I came to some of the conclusions that I have come to. I have learned through pain and joy. I have lived a live of selfishness and self importance. It took being broken down to nothing to discover how amazing I am, and how little that means. It took being abandoned to find my home. It took a lack of love to teach me what love really means. There is so much more to my story and my experience that I won’t be sharing right now, but everything I have experienced has led me to see the deep connections in humanity. Our connectedness to the eternal and our role as lovers and creators in the beautiful creation that is around us. There are greater pains and overwhelming joys that I have experienced outside of what I have written here, like so many others. The reason I’m not going into detail and writing a book just on my life is because no matter who you are, no matter what the story no matter how grotesque or beautiful, it does not change the truth. I don’t want the focus to be on me, but to be on us. No amount of pain can overshadow the incredible life available to you. It is no longer hopelessness that drives you, but the desire for deeper connection and meaning. We all have a story, and we all at times feel like we need justice, but usually in our minds we simply associate justice with punishment. There is a beauty available to you, to live in freedom, separate from the selfishness that you have been programmed to have.

As you read these posts, I encourage you to open your heart. Search for truth. Ask questions. This is simply a philosophy. If something resonates with you, continue to seek it out. Give yourself permission to explore the mysteries of our existence. Engage in the conversation of eternity. If you really love your life and have complete fulfillment, you probably won’t find much use in this book, but if you admit that the odds that you actually are fulfilled are negligible, then you will lose the life you once knew and step into the light of eternal presence. Here’s the best part, either what I am saying is true, or it’s not. Either you connect with it or you don’t. If I’m nuts, then so be it. But if it’s true, then we are on the edge of enlightenment. So buckle up, and let's see where the adventure takes us.